Elegy for ... morals?

Location: Office, London
Time: 11am Thu Morning
Feeling: unable to concentrate

I’ve had an interesting week. I would say character-building. I don’t think anything bad is going to come out of it. However, I’m not in a good place right now. The question is – is it preferable to feel pain or nothing at all. I used to be firmly in the ‘nothing at all’ category for a long time for various reasons.

Now I am less sure. It could be that I’ve had less curveballs thrown at me lately, allowing me to lead more or less carefree and zen existence. But I was starting to feel a bit dull.

In retrospect, I possibly could’ve started out a bit slower, but, as it seems, I’m more of a all-or-nothing type of person. Big plunge it was. The way I put it now makes it sound like it was a pre-mediated decision. At the end of the day, I cannot claim such a flair. It was just a sh$t load of alcohol and a lot of bad decisions, by both parties.

Work is now awkward on some days. I’m sure it will pass but I think some part of my brain will always wonder about possibilities. Is it always like this? I cannot remember anymore. It’s been a while. Funny how unattainability always somehow makes one’s mind deify the object of pondering.

I also feel no guilt. I do feel guilty about not feeling guilty though. I wonder if that is sufficiently redemptive… 

Location: Home, Kil&burn
Feeling: tired, lazy, unmotivated, but I do experience an odd urge to knit.
Reading: 59 seconds, Waldon, or life in the woods and his dark materials triology
Watched: 12 (Russian remake of 12 angry men by Mixalkov). Not bad.

Computer crashed and I lost what I wrote before. Sigh.
I think I need some kind of routine in life. I can't seem to make myself do ANYthing. Pathetic. Was supposed to go to the Russian embassy and try to get 'podtverzhdenie grazhdanstva' and then to going away drinks near school. Didn't make it to either. In fact, I haven't left the house today. And further, I don't know where the time went. I did have a shower though. I find it amazing how much maintenance activity women have to do. It is no wonder it's Cheryl Cole's full time job. I have got to find some more permanent solutions to these things. Otherwise I'm going to look totally festy once I go back to work.

Location: Home, Kil&Burn, London

Date: Sunday night. T-18 (days until starting work) 

Another lapse in writing. How embarrassing. It's not that I even have anything to show for it. Basically too much partying preventing periods of reflection. Lasting hangovers also inhibit thought processes and not to mention heavily facilitate laziness. 

Dis-O, Ibiza, Graduation, Summer Ball... Then more going out... 

Books: Just finished Heart of Darkness by Conrad. Not sure. I think I missed a lot of symbolism as I wasn't trying very hard. It was a little bit hardgoing. It would not have killed him to break paragraphs a little. Other than that - interesting. Not mind blowing though. Do tell me if I missed something... 

Also reading a book called 59 Seconds. I just came upon an interesting point that states writing is a lot more cathartic than talking about a problem. I suppose another reason I haven't been writing is that I don't actually have any problems at the moment (t'fu t'fu t'fu...). Aside from the usual existential crisis which shows no sign of abating. Common everyday problems will come soon enough once I start work. Eeeeeeeek.

It also suggests an exercise (a rather gay one, but nonetheless) of listing things I am grateful for. It is sufficiently intriguing for me to try.
Here goes the list of 5: My room and my bed (warm and comfortable), books, many books in my room, friends in London, health, understanding parents.
Hm. That wasn't easy, but actually you do end up feeling good. Hm.

Location: Home, Kil&Burn
Feeling: tired, productive

What updates... Hm. Exhausted due to another outbreak of allergies. And travel. It's good to be home. Spent the entire day pottering around the house - doing laundry, unpacking, buying groceries, dropping off dry cleaning, answering emails, descaling kettle.... Was supposed to be at the pub crawl for Dis-O but I fell asleep and woke up at 6pm. Much too late for pub crawling...
Speaking of descaling kettles: How to Descale kettle

Have finished reading Great Expectations for the first time. Unbelievable. What else have I been missing out on in the classics??? Have started on Wuthering Heights. Heathcliff sounds like my kind of person :)

Obsessed with this song: Society - Eddie Vedder

Too restless to be reflective. I don't think I can even commit to a non-trashy book tonight. I'm thinking Janet Evanovich. Heh.

Australia

Day: Monday, 14th June, 2010
Time: Australian time - who knows... Evening...
Location: My old study room, Armadale, Melbourne, Australia
Feeling: bored, restless

I have been trying a new strategy for capturing my random thoughts during the day so that I can write them down properly in the blog later when I have a chance. I got a little notebook where I scribbled things for approximately 4 days. That was back during the Portugal trip - two weeks ago? Maybe 3. I still haven't written those down properly. I have also not made any new additions to that little notebook. Of course, I am in Australia, back in parents' home. And therefore in stupor from over-sleeping, jetlag and mental seething from over-petting. So there aren't many thoughts crossing my mind right now. Aside from guilt. Still.

So... going back to my little notebook....

26th May:
I was wondering about my previous post - is it really justified misanthropy? I can't actually be sure. About the 'justified' part that is. I looked up 'misanthropy' and for once, wiki failed to provide the answer. Or sufficient detail. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misanthropy
Thus, I leave this theme for now.
Something Zoya posted (in her comment) got me thinking about how one channels non-attachment and feeling of absurdism/ impermanence positively. She seems to manage. Mine just goes straight to nihilism. I still have no answer. Tell me...

I was also reading 'The Periodic Table' by Primo Levi at this time. Great book. Refreshingly not full of optimistic, chirpy, enthusiastic characters to whom I cannot relate. It doesn't paint the qualities opposite to the previously mentioned as negative. Not that I care, but it's a nice change - Levi thinks it is possible to be 'nobly lazy' and being 'philosophically grumpy' is not a character flaw. Characters are not homogenous as they seem to  be in many novels these days...
Awesome quote: 'suspicious of every activity that set itself a goal'. :))

Justified Misanthropy

Location: Home - Kilburn
Feeling: narky and misanthropic

It all began this morning when I got woken up by the upstairs neighbour yelling. Around 8am. Probably at my flatmate. As most know, I am not at my best in the morning. I don't like to be woken up. In particular, I don't like to be woken up for no reason by other people because they feel it is within their right to make noise. (The noisy evil bully-prone heffer was upset about rubbish. It seems to be a big issue in our house. *Roll eyes*) It then quieted down until a car alarm went off. And continued on for hours. Who still makes alarms like that?? Needless to say I went through the day ranting about inconsiderate and 'nabytchennyx' people in my head throughout the day. Obviously being out and about in Kilburn/ Camden and on public transport does nothing to dispel such misanthropy. Hermit. That is my calling in life. I need to realise it soon.

Word of the day: Dolourous = showing sorrow, tearful, weeping

No Title

Location: Home in NW2 /London 

Feeling: slightly restless... 

After 2 solid days of doing absolutely NOTHING I am now ready to rejoin the world of action. Or at least the part of the world that gets out of bed in the morning... 

I really did mean to go to the gym today. But somehow it just didn't happen. It seems silly to travel 30mins each way to attend the gym and nothing else. Or potentially even longer if Jubilee line decides to not cooperate. Have decided to seek one that is closer. 

I also seem to be perpetually hungry today. Puzzling. 

It is also puzzling how throughout the day I have all these hypothetical blog posts that I compose in my head, however, they seem to evaporate as soon as I actually sit down in front of the laptop. 

I am multi-tasking...  Perhaps therein lies a cause... 

Sleep.... Where art thou

Highly unusual question for me. It does happen though.
I haven't actually tried to fall asleep for an inordinately long time. Yet, for someone who is usually asleep before the head hits the pillow, 30 minutes of rapid thought rather than slow drifting is out of the ordinary.
I don't know why I find my brain suddenly ignited by thought. Maybe it's the midnight hour. Maybe it's the book I just finished.
Speaking of the book I just finished... "It is not that I feel tremendously low; it's rather that the world around me appears high"... Maybe that is why I cannot sleep. Why is the world around me so high? What do they know that I do not? How do people go on with life untroubled by a sense of absurdity that plagues most of the activities we fill our time with? I am clearly missing the point. In fact, I am sure of it.

Die, 2YP, die....

Time: 9:30am
Location: TG, LBS, NW1 4SA
Feeling: strangely out of sorts...

I am at school... Still 2YP. It does cause me some pain. I have NO wish to present to trustees all day tomorrow.
But this kind of stuff is not particularly interesting to write about. In fact I think it causes me some PAIN to write about it... Thus, fast forward and pretend I have whinged and can now move on and feel better ...

Word of the day:
Vellicate: to twitch or cause to twitch; to pluck, nip, irritate, etc

In other news, I feel like I'm turning increasingly misanthropic with time. What is the cure? Hermitage?

Came across a brilliant sentence in a book: "Sexuality is a system of social hierarchy". Such gems are why I love Houellebecq... His position (in this book, anyway) is that there are two systems of hierarchy - side by side: economic and sexual, where money and looks are the respective currencies. Simple. Brilliant.

Word of the day

...is eristic = pertaining to controversy or disputation; controversial; of argument for the sole purpose of winning, regardless of the reason

my kind of word...