Elegy for ... morals?

Location: Office, London
Time: 11am Thu Morning
Feeling: unable to concentrate

I’ve had an interesting week. I would say character-building. I don’t think anything bad is going to come out of it. However, I’m not in a good place right now. The question is – is it preferable to feel pain or nothing at all. I used to be firmly in the ‘nothing at all’ category for a long time for various reasons.

Now I am less sure. It could be that I’ve had less curveballs thrown at me lately, allowing me to lead more or less carefree and zen existence. But I was starting to feel a bit dull.

In retrospect, I possibly could’ve started out a bit slower, but, as it seems, I’m more of a all-or-nothing type of person. Big plunge it was. The way I put it now makes it sound like it was a pre-mediated decision. At the end of the day, I cannot claim such a flair. It was just a sh$t load of alcohol and a lot of bad decisions, by both parties.

Work is now awkward on some days. I’m sure it will pass but I think some part of my brain will always wonder about possibilities. Is it always like this? I cannot remember anymore. It’s been a while. Funny how unattainability always somehow makes one’s mind deify the object of pondering.

I also feel no guilt. I do feel guilty about not feeling guilty though. I wonder if that is sufficiently redemptive…