Finding time

Date: 25 November, 2008
Time: 21:35pm
Location: My place, Kilburn, London

First time in a while that I've had an opportunity to write thoughts down. This is despite mentally composing journal entry as I exercise, tube or doze in class. Much to say and yet...

So I have finally found some time - mostly because I got sick, decided to take a day off and cleared my calendar. Thus resulting in an unexpected bonus of 1 free day. It's lovely - apart from the sick part. I don't think I've taken a sickie since I started work in 2005. The novelty is wonderful. Also, feeling like there isn't anything on my calendar that I really actually HAVE to do. There are things I should do, could do, have been asked to do - but I don't actually HAVE to do any of them. It's FABULOUS.

Did I mention my love for naps? I had 3 today so far.

Other news... Well suddenly all those thoughts I had and wanted to write down have fled from my head. I suppose I will do my usual - top 3 and bottom 3:

Top
1) Hanging out with Jules and her friends. They are truly mind-expanding. I get so caught up in the world of MBAs, business, jobs, careers, etc. It is truly inspiration to hang out with mathematicians, philosophers, etc. Although it does somewhat make me not want to do anything MBA related. Makes me wonder why I'm doing an MBA. And makes me dread the 2 years that I have to slave-work through to pay off the pleasure of doing a degree I don't actually really want. Hm.

2) Finding time to read books. I love it.

3) Nothing is coming to me on this one. Lets see if I can come back to it...

Bottom:
1) Still no passport. Need I say more? I certainly don't want to.

2) Crappy exchange rate - raising money concerns. May have to find a job PT. Ewwwww

3) Contemplation of relationships and realisation that I don't really understand it at all. What do people look for? What do I look for? Why do people form relationships? Is that so that they don't have to face old age alone? Is that it? If so, that's a bit cowardly. Why is there such a preoccupation with finding a boyfriend/girlfriend /husband etc. Maybe I am forgetting the good things one gets from those. *Scratch head*

4) Strange married guy (I've seen a few times before at school) grabbing me and kissing me (while I stood in shock) in the middle of the road. And then having to avoid him the entire night during the party and him finally catching up and asking me why I'm avoiding him. Wtf? What's wrong with people? And why do only married/attached guys ever hit on me? Or am I only seeing that pattern because I'm looking for it and the single ones that hit on me get dismissed as insignificant? But then again, unless it's as obvious as this incident, chances are, I don't notice it. Hm. Anyway. Hrpmph. I am disturbed. I hope it was a bet of some kind or he was very drunk. Confused, disturbed and not wanting to go out anymore. Wanting to become a hermit and living in the mountains with my books. Well, this particular wish is not entirely brought on by this incident but I thought I'd mention it nonetheless...

I need some more items in the "Top" section...
3) Being able to take a sick day (but not being sick). I also can't actually take a sick day tomorrow also because if I miss tomorrow's class I would fail it. At least without a doctor's note (which I can't get because I haven't registered with a doctor - and can't do so without my passport). So this is really another one for the "Bottom" category...

Eh... Ok so I have nothing else for now. Will think more.

The London Quarterly - October 2008

What can I say… It’s been busy. Relocating countries, losing all identification documents, finding a place to live, ikea-ing, moving and assembling furniture, bringing liver to the brink of extinction. I even went to class. Not out of choice – they make it compulsory – basically if you miss 2 classes in any subject, you fail the MBA. I guess they know students too well.

It’s been fun – lots of parties and drinking, meeting new people. It was a good change – I needed that. However, I’m back to feeling like a hamster in a wheel – no time to myself. I guess this time it’s more of a choice, but at the same time, if you don’t go to the functions, meetings, pubs etc, you feel like you’re missing out. I don’t like that feeling and am fighting it.

Classes have started and they are remarkably boring. So far, the core subjects are what I did in first year undergrad. I’m falling asleep in class. I am thinking of getting a blackberry (which I can’t afford) and emailing under the desk to stay awake. Still deciding…

Quick summary, in case you’re out of the loop – I’m presuming a bit of knowledge here:
1) I’ve moved to London to do an MBA at LBS for a couple of years (it appears to be reasonably good timing on some level – it’s going to be impossible to get in next year as all the bankers and other recession-fearing people will be applying)
2) I’m living with Julia in her flat in Kilburn (after her flatmate moved out, I moved in. Except I couldn’t fit all my crap into the single bedroom (single is a euphemism for “shoebox”) so I’m living in the living room and the single bedroom is our living room)
3) I’ve started classes in August but real classes only started this week (we did fluff for a month). I’m not enjoying the revision of my undergrad so far. I think the copious consumption of alcohol has reduced my attention span to an unprecedented extent.
4) One of my first London experiences was a stolen handbag with 2 phones, wallet, black book and passport. I still haven’t replaced most of these. (I have a passport appointment at the High Commission on Friday. We’ll see.) Thus, I have not been able to leave the country. It’s quite possible that even after I replace my passport, I won’t be able to leave the country as I am not yet sure how to replace my student visa. Well, I’m sure I’ll be able to leave – I just may not be able to re-enter. *Sigh*
5) I think I may need a new liver soon.

In other news, in no particular order:
1) Have had to take a Russian exam in order to prove to LBS that I speak a second language. 3 hours. I’m officially level 3 Russian speaker now (they only tested up to level 3 – level 2 is all you need to graduate)
2) I’ve taken up (touch) rugby. A bit outside my comfort zone – will see. Kind of fun so far and I get to exercise outside (in the rain).
3)

The Melbourne Daily – Monday [in July]

[found this entry on computer - back from July]

There has been a bit of a lapse in my writing. I have managed to move a little bit beyond the denial phase and get into work. Mostly it was stress that pushed me out there. It was getting to be 1 week before the workshop and initial deliverable and I still had nothing. So I crammed for quite a bit, including the weekend and now appear to have a document of sorts.

And I got distracted….

[continuing on Tuesday]

Yes so back to it I suppose. 9 days left. However, have a workshop to lead/ facilitate tomorrow. Which is a bit stressful. I hate these things. Stress, responsibility. And it’s not even that interesting – at least this particular topic. But then again, I’d say that about ANY topic that I had to lead a workshop about. As I keep saying, on days like these, I wish I was a hairdresser. Or a yoga instructor. Or a PA. Actually, my perfect job would be a ‘mattress tester’. Oh yeah….

9 days left. No news on my passport still. A bit concerning, I think. If nothing happens by Thursday, I’m going to have to call their rip-off hotline again. Where they first charge you $10 on your credit card and then proceed to tell you that they can’t help you with your query. Lo-ve-ly.

What else? Bored. I’m bored. And stressed. That’s a nasty combination, I tell you…

The Melbourne Daily - sort of

[Monday]

There has been a bit of a lapse in my writing. I have managed to move a little bit beyond the denial phase and get into work. Mostly it was stress that pushed me out there. It was getting to be 1 week before the workshop and initial deliverable and I still had nothing. So I crammed for quite a bit, including the weekend and now appear to have a document of sorts.

And I got distracted….

[continuing on Tuesday]

Yes so back to it I suppose. 9 days left. However, have a workshop to lead/ facilitate tomorrow. Which is a bit stressful. I hate these things. Stress, responsibility. And it’s not even that interesting – at least this particular topic. But then again, I’d say that about ANY topic that I had to lead a workshop about. As I keep saying, on days like these, I wish I was a hairdresser. Or a yoga instructor. Or a PA. Actually, my perfect job would be a ‘mattress tester’. Oh yeah….

9 days left. No news on my passport still. A bit concerning, I think. If nothing happens by Thursday, I’m going to have to call their rip-off hotline again. Where they first charge you $10 on your credit card and then proceed to tell you that they can’t help you with your query. Lo-ve-ly.

What else? Bored. I’m bored. And stressed. That’s a nasty combination, I tell you…

The Melbourne Daily - Thursday

Time: 8pmish
Location: Office, Rialto, Melbourne
Feeling: not happy

Today has not been a good day. HSBC in UK doesn't want to give me more than 10k GBP for living expenses for 2 years. They want me to live under a bridge! Far out! What the... ! How am I supposed to survive on that??? B@stards!
It's not like I'm a risky loan - I HAVE to go back to this job afterwards. NOT happy.

I also don't have my visa just yet. After 3 weeks, I thought I'd check on the progress of the application and just check whether they have at least received it! After trying to get through for days, I finally did, and, after taking down my credit card details and charging me $10 for the pleasure they told me that they can't give out any information about the progress of my application or indeed even confirm whether or not they received it. GGRrrrr

And I have a 6:30 am flight tomorrow morning. Fan-******-tastic.
Where's a stressball when you need one! Grphmph.

The Melbourne Daily

22 days to go
Time: 9am
Location: Rialto, Melbourne
Feeling: like I don't want to work

It has been pointed out to me that my post-holiday trough is disproportional to the actual holiday taken. 2 weeks vs 2.5 weeks. Yes, that is true. However I’ve been in denial about it until Monday. So really the trough didn’t truly kick in until 2 days ago. So now we are back to normal expectations of the typical trough.

Quote of the day is quite interesting, unlike my horoscope for today, and I leave you with it:

“When work is a pleasure, life is a joy! When work is a duty, life is slavery.” – Maxim Gorky

So true.

Has anyone out there found a type of work that is a pleasure? And if so, care to tip me off? I’m thinking I’d make a good PA/EA. I like organising stuff. Or maybe an events company could be my thing.

PS does anyone know how to install a counter on the blog??

Date: Tuesday, 8 July, 2008 - 23 days to go
Location: Office, Rialto, Melbourne, Australia
Feeling: bleah-ish. I don't want to work (what is that feeling called?)

I feel a liiiiittle bit better today which makes me think that this is a post-holiday depression trough. With my luck, I will probably just come out of it when it is time to finish.

Nonetheless, the days seem to drag on and on. I guess I’m also not really enjoying what I’m doing. It’s an organizational restructure for an NGO. It’s not exactly my area of expertise and I’m struggling a bit with it. I’ve also been given a new role on this assignment – actually managing this thing. So lots of responsibility in an area where I have no idea, instructing a brand new consultant and I have 3.5 weeks. Sub-optimal, as I like to say. I don’t really want responsibility right now. Or work really. Let alone actually be learning something new, as I’m about to leave.

On a different note, have been doing a bit of packing and discovered piles and piles of blank postcards. So, now I’m trying to reduce the pile by sending them around! Be prepared… It just seems so wasteful to just leave them lying there. My writing just doesn’t keep up with my buying.

Eh. Back to work.

Date: 7 July 2008, Monday morning
Time: 10am
Location: Office, Rialto, Melbourne
Feeling: bored, stressed, depressed, and all those other negative feelings

Do you ever feel when you are sitting there doing boring, meaningless work that doesn’t matter, that you are recklessly wasting precious time??

I actually don’t have a problem with mindless repetitive work because you are not forced to expend thinking effort on the problem. Your mind is free to wonder. It is a lot worse when it is not. You have to apply all your mental faculties to a boring uninteresting tedious problem. It’s just so dull. And wasteful. It’s just not right.

It’s kind of like learning statistics (but that’s a personal call). I think some would agree – that’s one type of maths that I find inherently unrewarding.

I think this is possibly the crux of the problem – I am finding my work at the moment thoroughly unrewarding. There’s gotta be a better way to make a living. It’s possible that I’m missing the planes/airports. Sleep deprivation acts as a great distracter. Whenever I’m sleep deprived, it’s actually easier to concentrate on a boring unrewarding task at hand because as soon as I finish it, I can get a nap. Once one has had a nap, one has the brain capacity to start wondering about the day-to-day existence. And that’s when one realizes the inherent dullness of working for a living. Why? Why do we work? Why do we need jobs? There must be better alternatives to this.

Actually, I remember coming across a book on this topic in Polyester Books (I love that bookstore). I must get it.

Or as dad just put it on the phone: "delau takoe gavno chto dazhe vremya zhalko"

PS: And just in case anyone missed the bit of news from NZ where a man assaulted another man using hedgehog as a weapon. Hedgehog was found dead :((( Should go to jail for cruelty to the hedgehog. :((

I also have to ask, where does one get a hedgehog in NZ? In particular, when one decides to assault another man. Does one just look around and lo and behold, there's a random hedgehog handy?

I love hedgehogs.

Bangkok semi-Weekly....

Date: 7 May 2008, Wednesday
Time: 2:45pm after lunch... a very very big lunch...
Location: Client site, Rama III, Bangkok, Thailand

Phoa. Ate too much which is not so good in light of food poisoning. And low blood pressure.
Everyone's making jokes that it must be coz I miss the boyfriend. I actually do... But probably not enough to cause blood pressure to plummet...


Time: 10pm
Location: Italian restaurant on Soi 8
Feeling: hungry

Yes…. Decided that writing blog at work is possibly sub-optimal (I canNOT shake that word off. It keeps cropping up everywhere. In conversations about everything. It’s becoming annoying.) … Anyway.. .Picking up where I have left off…

Actually still not feeling well today. Have been feeling queasy – thought it was food poisoning but then yesterday my blood pressure (or at least that is what I think it was) plummeted when I got to work (after 12 hours of sleep!). I couldn’t keep my eyes open or stand properly really. I turned around and went home. Slept from 9am until 4pm and then again from 9pm till 7am. Feeling a bit better today but still not 100%. Maybe about 70%.... Plus I developed new symptoms like sore neck and headache. Which brings me to my next topic of today’s Bangkok semi-weekly…. Health care in Thailand…

So, somewhat concerned about the flight back to Australia tomorrow (my symptoms tend to amplify when I fly), I went for a check up. Went after work and after Thai lesson – so around 9pm. Just turned up at the hospital at 9pm and said I wasn’t feeling well. Immediately had blood pressure measured and then immediately went to see doctor who asked a bunch of questions and prodded me with instruments for a bit and then sent me down for an EKG down at the ER – just to make sure all was ok. How impressive is that? I’m impressed. I’ve never had an EKG before. And the whole thing cost me about $A40-50 (not even me really as it’s probably one for travel insurance). And the total includes meds he gave me (nothing fancy but I will get to those in a second…. Actually I wont’… I’d rather skip the diagnosis and say that there appeared to be no physical reason for my symptoms. Well… I may as well elaborate – he started asking about my personal life and work (which I said were “as per usual”) and then ended up prescribing me valium… !! What the…! Valium???! Do I look stressed? I can’t stop having naps. I have trouble staying awake. Anyway. Aside from unimpressive diagnosis, everything was great. His English though wasn’t sufficiently good for me to debate the finer points of what he was suggesting. My medical certificate currently says “anxiety, depression and chest discomfort” – what the hell is that good for?!?!

Anyway he called it as he saw it, I suppose….

Anyway… Flying back tomorrow.. Will spend the day in Syd – see IT people, HR people and my mentor. And maybe even have my appraisal delivered (eewwww – I will try to see if I can dodge that one. All it’s likely to produce is increased bitterness and raised blood pressure (which I admittedly could use…)).

Bangkok Weekly - 5th May, 2008

Time: 11:45am
Day: Monday
Location: My apartment on Sukhumvit Soi 8, Bangkok
Feeling: nauseous (no idea...), a bit down, somewhat confused, a quite a bit stressed

Let me expound on those a bit, tackling them one at a time:

Nauseous: appears to be some kind of motion sickness. It's possible that it is my body saying 'please, no more wine and cheese'. Of course, it's also possible that my body is confused due to it getting exercised for the first time in weeks. Could be a combination. Whatever the case, I'm trying to avoid moving my head.

A bit down: Work. I think I need to think about changing my job... Just gotta find a way of dealing with bus school fees...

Somewhat confused: Buzz left yesterday to go back to Melbourne. I don't think he is coming to London. That is the impression I get from the way he talks about work and stuff. He randomly mentions coming to London but I remain unconvinced. He is trying to get a promotion at work. He loves his job I think. Also, he has inertia in general, I think. It was a challenge just to get him to come for a visit in Thailand (and also took a really long time). I cannot imagine him actually making a move to London... I also don't know how it would work. We seem to have a lot of trouble living together. I resent spending so much time cleaning up. He resents that I just can't live with mess. He thinks I'm a snob. I think he is a slob. He doesn't like it when I'm right. I tend to be right a lot. Probably because I'm a realist (not that that's a good thing - they give me drugs for that). So yes, to summarise I have no idea what is happening or going to happen. To make it worse, I'm not sure what I want to happen. I think he is more or less the same. So we've been jointly ignoring the issue.

Stressed: A lot to organise for London. There's also the uncertainty around the office transfer. It could be that I end up god-knows-where before I know it... Meanwhile, I've done nothing - have no tickets, no visa, no research, no essays, no loan, no packing, no preparation, NOTHING. Have big plans for today in terms of getting organised and stuff. (It's a public holiday in Thailand).

So yes - quick snapshot of my life.