Location: Nash Lounge, LBS, London

Time: 3pmish

Feeling: restless

Classic link: http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html

Why can't I own a Canadian? Valid question.

Last week of term here. Swamped with work. Long to do list. Can't get motivated. Can't concentrate. Eek. Could use a nap. The latter probably doesn't come to anyone as a surprise.

Actually everything is pretty much done except the 2nd year project. Of which there is a lot to do. And tax. God... tax...

And packing for Sth Africa. Hm.

Actually I don't have the presence of mind to write. I give up.

:)

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html?ref=health

A new beginning?

Location: My room, Kill&Burn, London

Time: 10:29pm

Date: 28 Feb 2010, Sunday night

Listening: Rufus Wainwright

Mood: expectant - think green light at Daisy's dock... Looking forward to NYC on Wed.

It feels like every other post I start with something terribly banal along the lines of 'it's been a while and I resolve to update this more frequently going forward, blah blah'. It's like the morning after when you resolve to 'never drink again'. Or at least for a month.

Baaaaanal.

I hate banality.

So I shall recap... Top 3 and bottom 3 that reside in my memory at this moment. No time period specified

1) Tattoo party on campus last night: Amongst things that happened, our club (Nazar) winning the fashion show. Yulia sent him on stage after he's been hiding from her for most of the night (and consuming copious amount of alcohol). He proceeded to do the typical Russian man's drunk dance on the stage (I had fears of him falling off. It was close.) and LBS crowdloved it. Heeelarious!

I still had no voice and was sick - so the only thing that got me through the night was the constant stream of vodka shots which had no intoxicating effect whatsoever. I came home, skipping the after-party, and getting into bed after 6 hours on my feet was THE best thing that happened to me that day.

2) The Brazilian Carnival Party was pretty good also. I can't remember the last time I got home at 6am. Of course, it then took me 4 days to recover. Too old for this shit, clearly.

Now to the bottom...

1) Why doesn't someone I actually LIKE hit on me? 2 hits of zero interest and the guy I actually have a mild crush on turned up with a new girlfriend. Hrumph. Farken.

2) Relating to the Brazilian Carnival afterparty - I have never been begged buy a guy to go to have a drink with him. Unable to be brutal and get rid off him, I proceeded to have some of the more miserable hours of my life. I want those back. It was disturbing and unpleasant. I walked away thinking 'what the f was that...?!?' (he was alright looking, a trader from DC, staying at a swish hotel in Mayfair). I still don't know... *shudder*

Also, why don't I ever have the time to everything I want to do??? I don't even work now! Is it sleep? Do I sleep too much?? :(

Hm - Doing the test from the Divided Kingdom (http://www.dividedkingdom.co.uk/default.asp): No surprises there...

Your nature is MELANCHOLIC. Your dominant humour is BLACK BILE. Your characteristics include introspection, pessimism, and an inclination towards the intellectual. Melancholics reside in the GREEN QUARTER, whose capital is CLEDGE.

Here we go again

Time: 10pm (ish) on Sunday Night

Date: Sept 13, 2009

Location: Home - London (Kilburn - aka 'Kill and Burn')

Feeling: stressed and disorganised

Currently reading: Bleak House - Dickens.

I don't know why I have such big gaps in my writing. I spend a bit of time each day planning the entries and ideas that I would want to expound on ... and yet... Hmm.

So... where are ... Basic update

1) Just came back from a week in Mallorca. Not bad.

2) Told work that not coming back to Aust. Now just have to call Managing partner and ask for a transfer. *Shudder*.Needless to say I'm procrastinating. Can someone give me a kick?

3) Finished my internship at you-know-where (not mentioning any names should someone decide to sue. I should know. Haha) - it was not great. Far from mind blowing actually.

4) Parents coming into London tomorrow for 5 days.

5) I am addicted to an online game called Evony. Don't ask.

6) I've discovered I have a lactose intolerance. Eeek.

7) Don't watch 'Funny People'. Ever. No matter how much they pay you.

Well, that's enough of all that boring stuff....

What was it that I was planning to write?

Something was bothering me last few weeks. It's articulation of ideas. Or inadequacy of language to convey the ideas. Or perhaps the inadequacy of MY language to convey the depth of the ideas. I've been struggling with interesting / philosophical conversation lately because as soon as I put something into words it becomes banal...

And don't get me started on the pronounciation of the word 'banal'. It makes me thinking of vomitting a banana milkshake. Perhaps I shall start using the word 'trite'. Or cliche. Ideas?

So now I have a phobia of meaningful conversations. I don't know if I can adequately express myself without bringing to mind the forceful expulsion of banana milkshake from the insides of one's stomach. Even when I am drunk, I cringe... Eek.

Good books... Hmm. Straw dogs - HIGHLY recommend. Poisonwood bible - interesting, learnt much about Congo, some characters could've used another dimension. Just finished 'Divided Kingdom' by Rupert Thomson (where United Kingdom gets divided into 4 quarters based on personality types. Interestingly enough I didn't even notice the pun until it was used in the same sentence towards the end of the book. I blame Pina Coladas for breakfast, which according to the beach house bartender could knock out a horse. I worry when they say things like that. Actually, no. I don't. I just drink up and pretend it's pineapple juice.

There was one quote in the book that really struck me - so much so I ended up re reading it several times and highlighting. Whilst the idea it expresses is far from new (but then, is there anything new out there to be expressed?), the way it is expressed seemed poignant to me. I think it's positioning in the book was also critical to making the point. It may not mean much to you when I say it (it will sound banal!) but I have to write it down now, as you will be curious. And I want to capture it for myself also.

"No one ever bothers to imagine how alone other people are"

So true. *Sigh*

Affluenza

Time: 10:24am, Monday Morning
Date: 1, December, 2008 - First day of winter!
Location: Plowden Lab, LBS, London
Feeling: still sick. restless. thoughtful.

I think the first sentence of any piece of writing is the hardest. Once you start, it always just seems to flow - especially in personal writing. Of course, having said that, I am now stuck on the third sentence. *sigh*

I'm currently reading this book "Affluenza" by James Oliver. It has an interesting (if not entirely unique) premise - that many of us are infected with the "affluenza virus" that has us striving for material things that are not going to make us happy and causing high levels of emotional distress (in a nutshell). He also has a go at capitalism - arguing that it is not a good way to run things, if you care about people's emotional well-being. It seems like an interesting premise that is best summarised in perhaps 100-150 pages. He has 500. I wonder if authors get paid per page...
I have forgotten where I was going with this... Perhaps it will come back to me later in the day. Monday morning and no coffee (it makes me feel worse when I'm sick) - it's no wonder I am forgetting my own thoughts...

Still clarifying

I don't know what's right with me - I seem to have re-discovered this blogging thing. I think I've been couped up in the house sick - perhaps that is it....

Further thoughts on the subject that I dislike - makes me feel bare to write it actually, so I don't know whether I should... If there are later gaps in paragraphs... well you'll know I changed my mind.

Relationships: I think what brought this on is getting a whiff of what it could've been but which never materialised. At the same time, I no longer can imagine it happening ever again...
Well that was obscure enough - I think I couldn't write it down here. I may have to resort to pen and paper to actually offload properly... Sigh

I don't think I'll have a top 3 and bottom 3 today - I'll just have a mix of 3:
1) Strategy exam tomorrow. I just got an email from a classmate - I think it summarises my thoughts on this subject matter better than I could - mostly because once I start thinking about it I begin to rant.

"Hi Olya-

I am reading the Strategy book for the first time and now I realize why you are so angry in the strategy classes. The instructor quite successfully demolished a beautiful subject..."

So yes. 3 hour exam tomorrow. It just makes me angry. I am never taking strategy subjects here. It would just traumatise me further.

2) Landlord troubles - she wants us to take out internet we istalled because aparently we ran the cable outside the house. WTF?

Things are just never easy in London

3) Am organising Winter Ball for this Feb. I may come to regret this decision...

clarifying thoughts

Having read back the blog, I realised I didn't really say what I meant. And in fact it sounded so wrong, it was almost retarded.
No - I don't think there is no other reason for relationships apart from fear. I think it's one that makes me sometimes look for relationships when I shouldn't... I should stop.
There are numerous reasons others but they only can be realised upon finding the right person. Having not done that, I am at a loss to come up with them.
Hmm. I think that is clearer.
Must think more.
Actually I don't like this topic anymore :(

Finding time

Date: 25 November, 2008
Time: 21:35pm
Location: My place, Kilburn, London

First time in a while that I've had an opportunity to write thoughts down. This is despite mentally composing journal entry as I exercise, tube or doze in class. Much to say and yet...

So I have finally found some time - mostly because I got sick, decided to take a day off and cleared my calendar. Thus resulting in an unexpected bonus of 1 free day. It's lovely - apart from the sick part. I don't think I've taken a sickie since I started work in 2005. The novelty is wonderful. Also, feeling like there isn't anything on my calendar that I really actually HAVE to do. There are things I should do, could do, have been asked to do - but I don't actually HAVE to do any of them. It's FABULOUS.

Did I mention my love for naps? I had 3 today so far.

Other news... Well suddenly all those thoughts I had and wanted to write down have fled from my head. I suppose I will do my usual - top 3 and bottom 3:

Top
1) Hanging out with Jules and her friends. They are truly mind-expanding. I get so caught up in the world of MBAs, business, jobs, careers, etc. It is truly inspiration to hang out with mathematicians, philosophers, etc. Although it does somewhat make me not want to do anything MBA related. Makes me wonder why I'm doing an MBA. And makes me dread the 2 years that I have to slave-work through to pay off the pleasure of doing a degree I don't actually really want. Hm.

2) Finding time to read books. I love it.

3) Nothing is coming to me on this one. Lets see if I can come back to it...

Bottom:
1) Still no passport. Need I say more? I certainly don't want to.

2) Crappy exchange rate - raising money concerns. May have to find a job PT. Ewwwww

3) Contemplation of relationships and realisation that I don't really understand it at all. What do people look for? What do I look for? Why do people form relationships? Is that so that they don't have to face old age alone? Is that it? If so, that's a bit cowardly. Why is there such a preoccupation with finding a boyfriend/girlfriend /husband etc. Maybe I am forgetting the good things one gets from those. *Scratch head*

4) Strange married guy (I've seen a few times before at school) grabbing me and kissing me (while I stood in shock) in the middle of the road. And then having to avoid him the entire night during the party and him finally catching up and asking me why I'm avoiding him. Wtf? What's wrong with people? And why do only married/attached guys ever hit on me? Or am I only seeing that pattern because I'm looking for it and the single ones that hit on me get dismissed as insignificant? But then again, unless it's as obvious as this incident, chances are, I don't notice it. Hm. Anyway. Hrpmph. I am disturbed. I hope it was a bet of some kind or he was very drunk. Confused, disturbed and not wanting to go out anymore. Wanting to become a hermit and living in the mountains with my books. Well, this particular wish is not entirely brought on by this incident but I thought I'd mention it nonetheless...

I need some more items in the "Top" section...
3) Being able to take a sick day (but not being sick). I also can't actually take a sick day tomorrow also because if I miss tomorrow's class I would fail it. At least without a doctor's note (which I can't get because I haven't registered with a doctor - and can't do so without my passport). So this is really another one for the "Bottom" category...

Eh... Ok so I have nothing else for now. Will think more.

The London Quarterly - October 2008

What can I say… It’s been busy. Relocating countries, losing all identification documents, finding a place to live, ikea-ing, moving and assembling furniture, bringing liver to the brink of extinction. I even went to class. Not out of choice – they make it compulsory – basically if you miss 2 classes in any subject, you fail the MBA. I guess they know students too well.

It’s been fun – lots of parties and drinking, meeting new people. It was a good change – I needed that. However, I’m back to feeling like a hamster in a wheel – no time to myself. I guess this time it’s more of a choice, but at the same time, if you don’t go to the functions, meetings, pubs etc, you feel like you’re missing out. I don’t like that feeling and am fighting it.

Classes have started and they are remarkably boring. So far, the core subjects are what I did in first year undergrad. I’m falling asleep in class. I am thinking of getting a blackberry (which I can’t afford) and emailing under the desk to stay awake. Still deciding…

Quick summary, in case you’re out of the loop – I’m presuming a bit of knowledge here:
1) I’ve moved to London to do an MBA at LBS for a couple of years (it appears to be reasonably good timing on some level – it’s going to be impossible to get in next year as all the bankers and other recession-fearing people will be applying)
2) I’m living with Julia in her flat in Kilburn (after her flatmate moved out, I moved in. Except I couldn’t fit all my crap into the single bedroom (single is a euphemism for “shoebox”) so I’m living in the living room and the single bedroom is our living room)
3) I’ve started classes in August but real classes only started this week (we did fluff for a month). I’m not enjoying the revision of my undergrad so far. I think the copious consumption of alcohol has reduced my attention span to an unprecedented extent.
4) One of my first London experiences was a stolen handbag with 2 phones, wallet, black book and passport. I still haven’t replaced most of these. (I have a passport appointment at the High Commission on Friday. We’ll see.) Thus, I have not been able to leave the country. It’s quite possible that even after I replace my passport, I won’t be able to leave the country as I am not yet sure how to replace my student visa. Well, I’m sure I’ll be able to leave – I just may not be able to re-enter. *Sigh*
5) I think I may need a new liver soon.

In other news, in no particular order:
1) Have had to take a Russian exam in order to prove to LBS that I speak a second language. 3 hours. I’m officially level 3 Russian speaker now (they only tested up to level 3 – level 2 is all you need to graduate)
2) I’ve taken up (touch) rugby. A bit outside my comfort zone – will see. Kind of fun so far and I get to exercise outside (in the rain).
3)