Date: Tuesday, 8 July, 2008 - 23 days to go
Location: Office, Rialto, Melbourne, Australia
Feeling: bleah-ish. I don't want to work (what is that feeling called?)

I feel a liiiiittle bit better today which makes me think that this is a post-holiday depression trough. With my luck, I will probably just come out of it when it is time to finish.

Nonetheless, the days seem to drag on and on. I guess I’m also not really enjoying what I’m doing. It’s an organizational restructure for an NGO. It’s not exactly my area of expertise and I’m struggling a bit with it. I’ve also been given a new role on this assignment – actually managing this thing. So lots of responsibility in an area where I have no idea, instructing a brand new consultant and I have 3.5 weeks. Sub-optimal, as I like to say. I don’t really want responsibility right now. Or work really. Let alone actually be learning something new, as I’m about to leave.

On a different note, have been doing a bit of packing and discovered piles and piles of blank postcards. So, now I’m trying to reduce the pile by sending them around! Be prepared… It just seems so wasteful to just leave them lying there. My writing just doesn’t keep up with my buying.

Eh. Back to work.

Date: 7 July 2008, Monday morning
Time: 10am
Location: Office, Rialto, Melbourne
Feeling: bored, stressed, depressed, and all those other negative feelings

Do you ever feel when you are sitting there doing boring, meaningless work that doesn’t matter, that you are recklessly wasting precious time??

I actually don’t have a problem with mindless repetitive work because you are not forced to expend thinking effort on the problem. Your mind is free to wonder. It is a lot worse when it is not. You have to apply all your mental faculties to a boring uninteresting tedious problem. It’s just so dull. And wasteful. It’s just not right.

It’s kind of like learning statistics (but that’s a personal call). I think some would agree – that’s one type of maths that I find inherently unrewarding.

I think this is possibly the crux of the problem – I am finding my work at the moment thoroughly unrewarding. There’s gotta be a better way to make a living. It’s possible that I’m missing the planes/airports. Sleep deprivation acts as a great distracter. Whenever I’m sleep deprived, it’s actually easier to concentrate on a boring unrewarding task at hand because as soon as I finish it, I can get a nap. Once one has had a nap, one has the brain capacity to start wondering about the day-to-day existence. And that’s when one realizes the inherent dullness of working for a living. Why? Why do we work? Why do we need jobs? There must be better alternatives to this.

Actually, I remember coming across a book on this topic in Polyester Books (I love that bookstore). I must get it.

Or as dad just put it on the phone: "delau takoe gavno chto dazhe vremya zhalko"

PS: And just in case anyone missed the bit of news from NZ where a man assaulted another man using hedgehog as a weapon. Hedgehog was found dead :((( Should go to jail for cruelty to the hedgehog. :((

I also have to ask, where does one get a hedgehog in NZ? In particular, when one decides to assault another man. Does one just look around and lo and behold, there's a random hedgehog handy?

I love hedgehogs.

Bangkok semi-Weekly....

Date: 7 May 2008, Wednesday
Time: 2:45pm after lunch... a very very big lunch...
Location: Client site, Rama III, Bangkok, Thailand

Phoa. Ate too much which is not so good in light of food poisoning. And low blood pressure.
Everyone's making jokes that it must be coz I miss the boyfriend. I actually do... But probably not enough to cause blood pressure to plummet...


Time: 10pm
Location: Italian restaurant on Soi 8
Feeling: hungry

Yes…. Decided that writing blog at work is possibly sub-optimal (I canNOT shake that word off. It keeps cropping up everywhere. In conversations about everything. It’s becoming annoying.) … Anyway.. .Picking up where I have left off…

Actually still not feeling well today. Have been feeling queasy – thought it was food poisoning but then yesterday my blood pressure (or at least that is what I think it was) plummeted when I got to work (after 12 hours of sleep!). I couldn’t keep my eyes open or stand properly really. I turned around and went home. Slept from 9am until 4pm and then again from 9pm till 7am. Feeling a bit better today but still not 100%. Maybe about 70%.... Plus I developed new symptoms like sore neck and headache. Which brings me to my next topic of today’s Bangkok semi-weekly…. Health care in Thailand…

So, somewhat concerned about the flight back to Australia tomorrow (my symptoms tend to amplify when I fly), I went for a check up. Went after work and after Thai lesson – so around 9pm. Just turned up at the hospital at 9pm and said I wasn’t feeling well. Immediately had blood pressure measured and then immediately went to see doctor who asked a bunch of questions and prodded me with instruments for a bit and then sent me down for an EKG down at the ER – just to make sure all was ok. How impressive is that? I’m impressed. I’ve never had an EKG before. And the whole thing cost me about $A40-50 (not even me really as it’s probably one for travel insurance). And the total includes meds he gave me (nothing fancy but I will get to those in a second…. Actually I wont’… I’d rather skip the diagnosis and say that there appeared to be no physical reason for my symptoms. Well… I may as well elaborate – he started asking about my personal life and work (which I said were “as per usual”) and then ended up prescribing me valium… !! What the…! Valium???! Do I look stressed? I can’t stop having naps. I have trouble staying awake. Anyway. Aside from unimpressive diagnosis, everything was great. His English though wasn’t sufficiently good for me to debate the finer points of what he was suggesting. My medical certificate currently says “anxiety, depression and chest discomfort” – what the hell is that good for?!?!

Anyway he called it as he saw it, I suppose….

Anyway… Flying back tomorrow.. Will spend the day in Syd – see IT people, HR people and my mentor. And maybe even have my appraisal delivered (eewwww – I will try to see if I can dodge that one. All it’s likely to produce is increased bitterness and raised blood pressure (which I admittedly could use…)).

Bangkok Weekly - 5th May, 2008

Time: 11:45am
Day: Monday
Location: My apartment on Sukhumvit Soi 8, Bangkok
Feeling: nauseous (no idea...), a bit down, somewhat confused, a quite a bit stressed

Let me expound on those a bit, tackling them one at a time:

Nauseous: appears to be some kind of motion sickness. It's possible that it is my body saying 'please, no more wine and cheese'. Of course, it's also possible that my body is confused due to it getting exercised for the first time in weeks. Could be a combination. Whatever the case, I'm trying to avoid moving my head.

A bit down: Work. I think I need to think about changing my job... Just gotta find a way of dealing with bus school fees...

Somewhat confused: Buzz left yesterday to go back to Melbourne. I don't think he is coming to London. That is the impression I get from the way he talks about work and stuff. He randomly mentions coming to London but I remain unconvinced. He is trying to get a promotion at work. He loves his job I think. Also, he has inertia in general, I think. It was a challenge just to get him to come for a visit in Thailand (and also took a really long time). I cannot imagine him actually making a move to London... I also don't know how it would work. We seem to have a lot of trouble living together. I resent spending so much time cleaning up. He resents that I just can't live with mess. He thinks I'm a snob. I think he is a slob. He doesn't like it when I'm right. I tend to be right a lot. Probably because I'm a realist (not that that's a good thing - they give me drugs for that). So yes, to summarise I have no idea what is happening or going to happen. To make it worse, I'm not sure what I want to happen. I think he is more or less the same. So we've been jointly ignoring the issue.

Stressed: A lot to organise for London. There's also the uncertainty around the office transfer. It could be that I end up god-knows-where before I know it... Meanwhile, I've done nothing - have no tickets, no visa, no research, no essays, no loan, no packing, no preparation, NOTHING. Have big plans for today in terms of getting organised and stuff. (It's a public holiday in Thailand).

So yes - quick snapshot of my life.

Bangkok Weekly

21^st April, 2008

I think I only have bottom 3 this week (and it is only Monday)…

1) Work. Yes, appraisal most certainly not looking good. Looks like I’ll be trying to jump offices (if not jobs) post-bus schools. Trying to get a secondment to the London office now but I have a suspicion that they know why and thus blocking me. I’ve been asking for almost a year now – surely there’d be some news by now. Oh well, one way or another…

2) Weekend – didn’t end up going anywhere on the weekend, which in itself I don’t mind. I more mind in the manner in which it happened. TBC….

3) did I mention I’m a bit unhappy at work?

ps I want to go home.

Bangkok Weekly... kind of

So. Back from Hanoi. Uncertain how to best capture my impressions. I think the impressions of the city have been outweighed by all other crap that is going on… So I guess I will do my favourite form of summarizing – top 3 and bottom 3 in general, not just Hanoi related…

Top 3:

1) Eating at Bobby Chinn’s restaurant in Hanoi. Fantastic food. Awesome menu. Engaging host. Great service. 1/4^th the price of Melbourne equivalent. I’m not sure that there even is a Melbourne equivalent actually. The grape goat cheese was exceptional. It pops up in my dreams once in a while.

2) Seeing a city that is more chaotic than Bangkok. There appear to be no traffic rules. One crosses the road just by stepping on and walking across through traffic, assuming that the traffic will just flow around, like water.

3) Having a little bit more certainly in life – i.e. moving to London in August (don’t know how, where or when precisely but it’s going to happen).

Bottom 3:

1) Fighting with Buzz. Started with which places to eat at. It seems that he thinks I’m a snob who doesn’t want to go to places where locals eat. Whatever. I’m sure I can’t adequately capture what he was trying to say here. Actually, he probably doesn’t know how to say that either since he is not able to rationally and calmly discuss it. Just starts yelling at me. Have been walking on eggshells past few days and kind of avoiding… Sub-optimal but I guess it is what it is… And as my favourite book adds: there are no mistakes.

2) Appraisal not looking good as colleague from work appears to have nailed me. I keep running afoul of males that are more senior than me. Thus, everyone just assumes that I’m in the wrong. I’ve tried to deduce a trend or a pattern and it seems I only get into trouble when I try to tell them that they are doing something wrong. So now I’ve just keeping my mouth shut and doing my job without trying to give advice. Seems to be working for now. Well, as far as the relationship goes. The client seems a bit unhappy about the guy on the other hand. *Shrug* What can I do. I’m just a mere junior. Whom men in positions of authority have an allergic reaction to listening. Not so different from Buzz actually. He also doesn’t like it when I correct him. So I stopped doing that. *Shrug* Possibly a bit harsh but that's what it feels like lately.

3) Not going to Halong Bay. It was raining. We didn’t end up booking anything. So we didn’t go. I may have to come back by myself.

Sigh. Very tired. Could use a long holiday. Actually could use a weekend when I didn’t have to fly anywhere. There’s about 52 weeks in year. If I had to estimate the number of return flights I take in a year, it’d be at least 52. Counting connecting flights as one flight. I need a break. Which doesn’t involve flying.

Speaking of flying and breaks. Flying to London on the 1^st of June. Have to be in London on 7/8^th June for Admit weekend at LBS. Not sure what will do between 2^nd and 7^th. Maybe go Scotland or Ireland or something. I know most from London will be in Kiev, but if anyone’s around – wanna hang out???

Actually I should probably start checking out accommodation options, hey… crap…

Bangkok Daily - the missing pages

Sunday, 30 March, 2007
5:17PM
Location: Rm 705, Grand Hyatt Erawan, Bangkok

It's been a while hey. It's been busy I guess. It's rare when I actually get time to myself. Weekends are not exactly relaxing. Either I'm travelling or I'm back home trying to squeeze in as much of "seeing people" as is possible. Not to mention catching up on sleep.

What's new. Well. It looks like I may be coming to London for a couple of years after all. Rather soon actually. If all goes to plan (which I don't actually have just yet) - I would be starting semester at the end of August. No idea what money I'm actually going to survive on. In London. Renting. And not working. Hrmph. One problem at a time, I guess. Back to "starving student" thing I suppose, just in London this time. No idea what will happen with the boyfriend either.

In other news... My Thai is improving, project is getting stressful, and I'm being appraised again. I hate appraisals. Every fr**king 6 months - no matter whether you're actually there or not. Last time I got appraised in absence and was sending through my self-assessment from my "holidays" in Romania. Don't you just love the HR processes. Don't you just love the HR. I think this is my 6th appraisal... Been here just over 3 years. Long time hey. Feels like a lifetime. .. Well maybe not quite that bad. I does feel a lot longer than it actually has been.

Other news... umm.... Managed to lose some weight (*t'fu t'fu t'fu* as they say in Russian or "spit spit spit" as a literal translation to English would say. I think a lot gets lost in translation)

Moving into an apartment in Bangkok next week. Over the hotel thing. Strange though how I don't actually have an apartment back in Melbourne but do have one here. Hmm.

I should really stop procrastinating and do some work hey.

Time: 4pm (ishg)
Location: Client office, Rama III, BKK
Date: Thursday, 31 Jan, 2008
Feeling: tired, eyes hurt (allergy farken)

The alleged boyfriend emailed yesterday. I asked what took so long. He said he was waiting for me to email. I asked why. No answer. Dropped off again. Definitely alleged.

Bangkok Daily

Data: 30 Jan, 2008, Wednesday
Time: morning. 9:30am
Location: client office, Rama III
Feeling: still flattish. and bloated.

It's raining in Bangkok today. It's very strange - I have never seen rain here outside the wet season. I hope this doesn't keep up through the weekend as I'm actually staying here and was planning to do some sightseeing - perhaps go to the Ancient City or Ayutthaya which would really suck if it was raining.

Week and 2 days. Still no word from my alleged boyfriend. Methinks soon to be ex-boyfriend as clearly there's no freaking love in the air. :(
Oh well. What can you do. Will have to start moving when I'm back. It was a real b!tch to get a bed up the stairs, I'm thinking it will have to stay. There's no way it's coming out again. Don't really have anywhere to put it at the parents' place anyway - which is where I suspect I'll be staying whilst I'm in Thailand.
Too much uncertainty. Don't know what's happening with bus schools (still haven't heard anything from anywhere). Don't know what I'll do if I don't get in - I'm thinking a philosophy degree somewhere. Will have to save money for that though and thus uncertainty as to when I'll do it. And whether I'll stay in this job while I do it.
Don't know what I'm doing for Easter as that depends on what happens with the "boyfriend". Oh well, one day at a time, hey. Living in the present and all that.
I suppose I should go and do some work now. Or at least walk around and hassle other people into doing work. One or the other will do. Both would be optimal actually.

PS Nude flights in Germany - wtf?

Bangkok Daily

Date: 28 January, 2008. Monday
Time: 12pm
Location: Client office, Rama III, Bangkok
Feeling: a bit flat, a little disappointed. allergic (puffy eyes)

Went to Chiang Mai on the weekend. Not bad. Lots of temples. There were also many Buddhist schools, classes and universities. I would've liked to do a 10 day retreat or something like that if I had longer there.
Also, good crafts etc shopping. I wasn't blown away though. I guess because people kept recommending it, I had much higher expectations. It was tricky to work out how to get around. There aren't metered taxis really. Only to and from the airport. Other than that you have to negotiate the fare with songtels and tuk-tuks. I hate tuk-tuks. I swear, they see all tourists as money bags, and white tourists in particular as large money bags. Actually, all tourist travel in Thailand I find exhausting. I have to be always on the ball, know how much things are and know when something doesn't feel right. And negotiating everything gets very tiring. I could just be whinging due to a crappy mood. Everything seems crappy when this happens.

I stayed at a boutique hotel whilst there - Puripunn. It looks much better on the pictures. Don't get me wrong - it's nice. It's just a bit old. It really needs new plumbing - or whatever it is that controls the flow of water. I couldn't even take a shower properly - the water kept going from freezing to boiling within a matter of seconds. I ended up having baths instead. Couldn't cope with the shower. Small bathrooms, slow service, otherwise charming property. On balance, wouldn't recommend it.

I will post some pictures of the town once I work out how to get the photos off my camera without the cable (data card reader I'm thinking).

Last week felt pretty long. Hard to believe I only left Australia 7 days ago. I think I'll be staying in BKK next weekend to catch up on sleep and rest and generally relax.

In other news... or "none news" to be more accurate. I still haven't heard a word from my alleged boyfriend since leaving Australia. No email, no sms. I'm beginning to recall why we broke up in the first instance. Is it just me or is it a really long time not to hear anything?
Just for background - I just thought I wouldn't email etc - to see how long it would take him. Just as long I wasn't holding my breath.
Anyway, it just doesn't seem normal. Certainly not as often as I'd like. And that's probably saying something... Hmmm
Oh yeah - speak freely - he never reads the blog anyway (that I could determine anyway) :)

Anyway... That's probably all from me for now...

7pm now. It's taken me a while to get back to this thing.

Some pics from where I work - canteen: