Pondering at home...

I have finally chilled out a bit after last Friday - which was when I had a spasm about things happening on the current project (relating to staffing crap that I can't be bothered explaining because it's just stupid and annoys me). It's was amasing to observe the progression of emotions which started with self-pity which deteriorated to tears when my mentor gave me sympathy and understanding. Eventually, within a 24 hour time frame, it turned into anger which climaxed at boiling anger by Saturday night. Now I'm experiencing resignation, boredom and indifference.

The whole experience has not endeared the firm or the partner in question to me. But beyond that, I'm not going to do anything stupid (like quit to take an inferior job). I guess it just made me an extra bit more wary, cynical and unimpressed. (as if I wasn't all of those before!)

Saw "Thank you for Smoking" on Saturday night with Buzz - highly amusing. Then we went for a drink to Eurotrash - as they have a superior choice of vodkas. I whinged and generally unloaded my rage which was nice. Not sure how Buzz enjoyed it though... I did pay for the alcohol and the food - so he did get something out of it all...

I am somewhat embarrassed about how much this work stuff gets to me. I don't know though whether it is normal, it is me or it is the culture here. Sometimes I feel emotionally barren. People just don't get emotional about things. It never ceases to amaze me how much people just don't care about stuff - it is actually seen as undesirable to display emotion, to care, to not be "relaxed" or "easy-going".

Is it me? Am I on the wrong continent? Why are people so laid back and repressed?? How can they have emotional connections with others? What about personal relationships? You can lash out due to emotion and people will run away, think worse of you, freak out, whatever - instead of reaching out to you, taking a risk. Anything but running away and never talking about it whilst harbouring a grudge... Not sure if I'm capturing what I'm thinking. It's hard. I haven't really tried to capture these thoughts before. Ah well, just ponderings in my semi-private journal... The exhibitionism associated with a blog still gives me a bit of a rush... Which is possibly why I still write. That, and I type much faster than I hand write.

Ah the dying art of hand writing...

This all just further reinforces my wish to try out Russia for a while. But I think at the same time, I wouldn't mind living in France for a while (ie MBA in INSEAD). Of course, there are still a few hurdles to get over before that becomes likely... Such as getting in... getting support from firm... surviving another appraisal at Booz... Ah well, one week at a time... Hell, I don't even plan that far ahead... I'm managing a few days at a time...